


With You By My Side

by Legitaprincess



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It of Sorts, Healing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Oneshot, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, ash is soft and kind, lao doesnt exist in this universe, theres talk abt cutting so please dont read if thats a trigger for you, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 15:04:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17347394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legitaprincess/pseuds/Legitaprincess
Summary: "I’m sad you’re hurting yourself but I’m not mad. Eiji, can I help in any way?”Eiji realizes that getting help is more than just one tough conversation.





	With You By My Side

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [End Here.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17148902) by [emotionalsponge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emotionalsponge/pseuds/emotionalsponge). 



Eiji took a measured breath, releasing as he ran the small cutter over his thighs. His breath moved in time with the blade lifting off his skin.

_More._ That was the thought dominating his head.

_More._ It wasn’t enough. Not enough to make up for everything he deserved to get.

_More._

His thighs became a mess of red lines and welts, some already scabbing over, others still trickling blood down, a river that flowed into no forest. Useless. _Like you._ The voice in his head whispered at him and he wondered, not for the first time, if that voice would ever be wrong. He really was useless. He couldn’t fight to save anyone, couldn’t shot a target five feet in front of him, couldn’t stop anyone from hurting Ash. 

Ash. He didn’t tell him about his habit. It didn’t matter at first, after all he used to find little shards of glass and run them over skin in Japan too. Why did it matter if he did it in America? But then Ash had gotten closer with him, telling him his biggest fears and his most mundane thoughts. That was when it mattered. Didn’t Ash deserve to know that Eiji wasn’t some fucking saint? That he was a mess and couldn’t save anyone, not his dad, not Ash? That he was better off dead?

 Didn’t Ash deserve to leave him? But Eiji was selfish. He didn’t want to be alone again. Alone with no one to laugh with. With no one to sing along to the radio with. With no one to hold. So he hid it.

Ash would sometimes change in front of him, but he never pressured Eiji too, something his old friends constantly teased him about. Ash did notice things though.

 

“Where did you get that scar from?” Eiji had jumped up in surprise as he realized Ash had stopped watching the T.V a long time ago. Instead he had been looking at Eiji’s body, tracing small patterns over the skin. Eiji had just thought it was mindless movement. He looked down to see where Ash was looking at and his heart stopped.

 

Eiji didn’t usually cut on his arms, it was far too noticeable. But he did in the beginning when he didn’t realize people would ask why he was wearing long sleeves all the time. The scar Ash had asked about was a particularly deep one. It was thick and jagged, running from his forearm to just above his wrist. It usually didn’t stick out after so much time, but in the dark of the room with the blue light of the T.V bouncing off his skin, it stood out.

“Ah, that was from when I was a small boy. I climbed a fence and fell and scratched my arm,” Eiji laughed, pulling down his sweatshirt sleeve unconsciously. He knew Ash wouldn’t buy it but maybe he’d show some tact and not mention it.

“Nice of the fence to make it such a clean cut,” Ash looked up, fingers dropping from Eiji’s arm. His green eyes were captivating and held Eiji in place.

“What else could it be, Ash?” Eiji knew Ash knew, but he would play dumb if he had too.

“It looks like you fucking cut yourself.”

“Why would I ever do that?” Eiji rolled his eyes, turning back to the T.V.

Ash leaned over, grabbing the remote and switching off the film they were watching. “I’m not gonna ask why, I just wanna know one thing,” he took a deep breath, “are you still doing it? God Eiji if you are, tell me and I’ll do whatever I can.”

Ash looked as if he might cry and Eiji knew he had to lie. So he smiled, a little ruefully, shaking his head. “No, not anymore.”

“Thank God.” Ash was shaking as he pulled Eiji into his arms, holding him as if he would break. Eiji never knew a lie could hurt this much.

 

Eiji sighed. He would never tell Ash. He couldn’t hurt him like that. Grabbing a wad of toilet paper, he dabbed at the cuts, wiping any blood that hadn’t clotted and pulled up his sweats. He threw the tissue in the toilet, making sure to flush it before washing his hands.

 A part of him felt like a fucking idiot for being so careful to avoid infection. After all if he got an infection, he could just die that way. He told himself that that wouldn’t happen and him getting an infection would just worry Ash. He refused to admit that he just couldn’t get the balls to kill himself.

 He had had plenty of chances too but he never took them. He could make a million excuses but it all boiled down to the fact that he was scared.

As he walked out into the kitchen, he noticed the time. Ash would be home soon and he figured he should make him something to eat. Ash never asked Eiji to cook for him but Eiji liked to watch him eat. He liked it when Ash complimented his food. He liked to keep himself busy.

 

It was after Eiji had just finished the miso soup that Ash entered the apartment.

“Hey Eiji, I’m home.” Ash still fumbled with saying that, looking away when he did. But he said it for Eiji.

“Welcome home Ash! I’m almost done making food, so just come sit down.”

Dinner was a soft affair, with Ash telling tall tales of something that happened and Eiji laughing at the extremity of it all. As Eiji cleaned up, he felt warm. Ash might leave him someday but at least he had now. At least for a while more, they’d be together. He smiled.

 

“Eiji.” Eiji looked up, smiling at Ash when he noticed that Ash was not smiling.

“Yes? Is everything ok?” Ash was always gentle with him, but right now, his eyes were steeled and his mouth a straight line.

“Come with me.” A command not a request.

“Just let me finish u-“

“I’ll do those, just come here.” The finality in Ash’s tone, made Eiji set down the plate he was holding and move to the room they shared. Ash sat on the bed, staring at the ground.

“What’s wrong Ash?” Eiji sat beside him tentatively, the bedding balled up in his hands. He prepared himself for the worst.

“Mind telling me why there was blood on the bathroom floor? And why I found Bones’ old cutter caked with blood?”

Eiji hadn’t been ready for this. His words were stuck in his throat. As he tried to make his mouth work, he noticed Ash’s eyes go wide as he looked at Eiji’s sweats. Eiji looked down and saw lines of red seeping through the fabric. Fuck.

“A-Ash, it is not what it looks like. I accidentally hurt myself! I-I was cutting soap and it slipped and I cut my thigh. Nothing is wrong I pro-“

“Eiji.” Eiji shut up, looking up at Ash, expecting to see his eyes bright with anger. Instead all he saw was softness. “Let me clean that for you. Please.”

It was all he could do to make move his head in a nod.

“I’m gonna grab the first aid kit. Change into some shorts or something.” Ash got up, leaving the door open slightly.

He changed silently, wondering if this was the calm before the storm. He never expected Ash to not ask any questions. But it was better this way. He could find some time to come up with a story. He could still fix this.

“Come sit on the bed.” Eiji followed, sitting down where Ash had gestured.

Ash bent down, opening up the kit. He pulled out bandages and bottles of various antiseptics. Silently he pushed up Eiji’s shorts. Save for a sharp exhale, he stayed quiet.  
  
Eiji knew it looked bad, the crisscross of scars and blood that, marked up his entire right thigh, wasn’t pleasant to look at. Still Ash didn’t look away.

He made quick work of it, cleaning Eiji’s wounds with rubbing alcohol, pressing down to stop the bleeding. He wrapped bandages around the cuts, wrapping them tightly before resting his hands gently on Eiji’s thigh.

“Eiji, I’m not upset at you. I won’t ask you tell me why or what caused this till you feel comfortable enough to tell me. I just love you and seeing you in so much pain, God I just wanna do something to help you, so tell me what can I do?” Ash placed his head on Eiji’s legs, hands coming around and resting on the bed. His body shook, tears making Eiji’s skin wet.

“A-Ash, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you. I wanted to tell you, but I thought you would be sad if I did. I’m sorry, I’m so sor-“ Eiji didn’t realize that his own eyes had began to water, tears falling on to Ash’s head.

“Eiji, babe, no listen to me. Don’t apologize. I’m sad you’re hurting yourself but I’m not mad. Eiji, can I help in any way?” Ash had looked up Eiji, thumbs wiping away his tears. Eiji closed his eyes for a moment before deciding he deserved to be selfish once in awhile. It would be okay.

  
“Stay with me.”

Ash leaned up slowly, moving his hands to Eiji’s back, embracing him softly. “You promised me forever once and now I can promise you the same.”

Eiji leaned into Ash’s chest, ear resting over his heart. “Hold me.”

Ash immediately complied, leaning against the wall and pulling Eiji further into him. They stayed there for a long time, listening to each other’s breaths before Eiji spoke up again.

“Ash, I think I want to see someone who can help me.”

“I bet Max knows someone. Maybe my therapist knows someone too.” Ash hummed, carding his fingers through Eiji’s hair.

“Ash?”

“Yea?”

“Thank you and I love you, my sunshine,” Eiji looked up to see Ash blushing slightly, still unused to Eiji's favourite endearment for him. 

“Can I kiss you?” He looked down at Eiji, eyes wide and full of love.

Eiji didn’t answer, just leaned forward and closed the distance between the two. Healing would take time for them both. But together, it seemed possible. Together anything seemed possible. Eiji had hope blooming inside his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you guys think!  
> u can follow me on twitter @moonekon where all i do is talk abt anime (banana fish) and abt stupid headcanons


End file.
